Potty Training Day(s) - Forecast: Very, very wet

This is dedicated to anyone out there who is having their first crack at this whole potty training thing. (Pun intended.) We're now on our third round in this house, so let me say this: Potty training is awesome! (No, it's not.) Potty training is easy! (No, it's not.) I love it! ( I do not.) But train these little creatures we must. There's a reason why they don't make Thomas the Train undies in a size 14. Because that would just be gross.

So here's what I can tell you. There are things you won't know until you know, and I feel like I should give you a heads-up before you start. I can personally only speak to potty training the gentlemen of the world, but I'm sure some of this crosses quite nicely over the gender line. So, disinfectant at the ready! I would like to call this bit:

 "Things I Didn't Know Until It Was Too Late. And Too Wet. And Too Smelly."

• As you embark on this journey, you should know that "I think I have to go poops" generally means "I have already pooped in my pants. Please fix it." This will happen at a very inconvenient time and/or location.

• The "Let Them Walk Around Naked and Figure It Out" approach is pretty effective and awesome until you hear that telltale plop on the floor. Run, do not walk, to the nearest container of Clorox wipes. Apply liberally. (To the floor. Not the baby.)

• Bleach is always the answer. You will need it for everything. The floor. The walls. (Yes, the walls.) The laundry. Just. Bleach.

• There will most likely be "a bathtub incident." Refer to previous bullet point for all possible solutions. (Hint: there's only one solution.)

• Many things will end up in the toilet. Some of these things are supposed to be there. (Hooray! You are a potty trainer extraordinaire!) Some of these things are not supposed to be there. (Hooray! You can buy everyone a new toothbrush immediately!) And then refer to the previous bullet point. Again. (FYI, the third bullet point is generally the right answer for all given potty training scenarios.)

• Two words: Public toilets. Because although staying home forever will seem like the better option, you will eventually need to emerge from your comfortable potty abode. Once you venture out, you will see toilets that have every imaginable substance in, on, and/or near them. The dirtier the toilet, the more your child will insist that he or she needs to pee immediately. Get ready to see your child touch everything. Twice. You will die a little bit inside. Get used to it.

• Any toilet your child has access to in the home will follow this approximate cycle:  4:00 - dirtiest toilet you've ever seen. 4:01 - cleanest toilet you've ever seen. 4:05 - dirtiest toilet you've ever seen. 4:06 - cleanest toilet you've ever seen. This will now be your life. There is no end in sight as far as I can tell. But damn if you aren't going to be the best toilet cleaner around.

So there you have it. Hang in there. Chin up. Laundry basket and wine at the ready. Because six minutes after those new Paw Patrol underpants come out of the gate, you're gonna need all of it.

Cheers!

p.s. You should also know that each child will have his or her own style. Our third happens to be a "stand tall and proud while I point and shoot" kind of a guy. And like I said, some things will end up in the bowl that should not be there. Ten precious little piggies, for example. There's a reason the bathtub is so close to the toilet bowl. Happy training!