Saturday, September 20, 2014 {Day 1}
Hurrah! Am capable mother of three! Husband is gone, but can do this. Will do this! Will celebrate life and beautiful September day while cheering on various soccer games and entertaining mini spectator who is not quite two. Will embrace beauty in world and be thankful for variety of blessings.
Will maintain control. Stand by decision of McDonald's departure based on sibling bickering. Will drive quietly and calmly. Will not yell.
Am unsure of husband's trip duration. Twelve days? More? Would probably be helpful to have husband's flight info. Or hotels. Or at very least, return date. Although will be positive and uplifted in spirits as we approach possible return date. Will check when husband is off plane roughly 96 hours from now.
Children are fed and clean. Am in control of everything.
Boys are sleeping. I am eating cookies. All is right with world.
Sunday, September 21, 2014 {Day 2}
Is beautiful and sunny day! Must send boys outside! Am capable mother who promotes physical fitness and imagination!
Alone in quiet house, but cannot hear self think over spin cycle of overworked washing machine in process of dying. Will investigate selling next child who pees in bed.
Mason upset, missing Daddy. Look at wall map. Locate Vietnam. Is much farther south than previously imagined. Manage to play it cool and relay invaluable knowledge of South China Sea. Now clear that "South" in title of sea was clue as to southern location.
Children are fed. One child is clean. Evening still success in spite of dirty feet. Will cover with socks tomorrow.
Dinner consists of one 32 lb burrito. Is being consumed far too close to bedtime. Cutting into cookie eating time. Also, must buy more cookies.
Monday, September 22, 2014 {Day 3}
Have spent all available energy enforcing homework and broccoli eating. Baby's bath was equivalent of wrestling wet seal, as he did not want to leave tub and used slippery skin as ally. Considering allowing baby to sleep in tub. Wondering if this would be acceptable. Will begin search for tub-sized pillow.
Will serve Lucky Charms for dinner tomorrow. Do not have energy for round 2 of broccoli fight. Will assume some level of nutritional value while enjoying stress-reducing benefits of combat-free home environment. Am genius!
Have to work tomorrow night. New sitter coming. Sent long, detailed text to sitter. Next time will send text to correct sitter. May consider earlier bedtime so as to resume functional thought.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014 {Day 4}
Vacuumed for sitter so children will not become lost in piles of crumbs. Oliver not comfortable in clean surroundings. Addressed discomfort with spontaneous projectile crackers.
Practicing Oprah's breathing technique. Would like for Oprah to send breathing coach. Would also like Oprah to send cleaning woman.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014 {Day 5}
Tired. Oh so tired. Me. Not children. (Why not children??)
Please send help. And wine. Please send help and wine.
Thursday, September 25, 2014 {Day 6}
Searched for library book for more time than was spent actually reading library book. Will consider organizational improvements. Or will ban further intellectual pursuits for children, as proving too stressful for maternal figure. Ban easier to enforce than organizational conformity.
Freezer is void of ice cream. Have entered crisis stage of existence.
Friday, September 26, 2014 {Day 7}
Day 2 of ice cream crisis. Considered entering grocery store with three children. Decided to churn own ice cream instead. Should be easier.
Baby turns two today (!!) - has been blowing out fake candles for majority of day. Party not for one more week. Should be professional whistler by time husband returns.
Baby spent portion of afternoon rolling in rock driveway during tantrum fit. Seemed comfortable.
Saturday, September 27, 2014 {Day 8}
Consumed mayonnaise expired in 2012. Should now verify boys' comprehension of 911. Hoping they will take break from Sponge Bob to notice body. Also hoping boys will survive on dry cereal until husband returns to find Lord Of The Flies conditions and wife expired due to mayo incident. Will try to scribble last wishes on memo board.
Baby found wandering in living room singing "oooooooh shit, oooooooh shit, oooooooh shit."
Possible that parenting not my calling. Must investigate other avenues.
Have given up. Am eating frosting out of can.
Sunday, September 28, 2014 {Day 9}
Is beautiful morning! Have renewed parenting inspiration and can see light at end of tunnel!
Have completed early morning virtual grocery trip for afternoon delivery. Vegetables are coming! Have thrown vile frosting in trash can. Shall remain healthy and happy mother of three.
Grocery delivery brought new level of happiness.
Apples! Tomatoes! Bananas!
And ice cream. Sweet, sweet ice cream.
Baby noticed Daddy missing. Demanding Daddy come in from car in driveway. Is unable to comprehend empty car. Has thrown sippy cup in protest. Four times.
Special Lego project with Mason. Day full of Lego stress negates happy grocery aura.
Monday, September 29, 2014 {Day 10}
Will wear anything to work not needing iron. Bar is set to basic survival. House clean in sporadic moments.
Is late, am watching television. House is quiet. Must enjoy quiet, not waste quiet on sleep.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014 {Day 11}
Why? Why did I watch TV? So very tired! Must see bright side. Bright side has coffee. Much coffee.
Sent each boy to school with wrong lunchbox. Now suffering ridiculous lunchbox guilt while boys fight over seats on couch. Is too dramatic to throw couch out window? Was on fence about baby #4. Am currently off fence. Will possibly never see fence again.
Somebody please find source of mystery mooing in living room.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014 {Day 12}
Husband comes home today! Hurrah!
He will find: Clean(ish) children who have eaten food, nutritious or otherwise, playing in clean(ish), couchless living room echoing with mystery mooing sound.
He will not find: wife, as she will be getting pedicure. In France.
Au revoir, mon amour. Don't forget to check the mayo before you eat it.
