A letter from the cat

My love for the people is unconditional(ish). 

To the lovely tall people in the house,

I have been with you for a few years now. I like it here. I do. But I have a few issues that need to be addressed, and I would appreciate your consideration. You seem like a reasonable bunch. I'll even overlook the moments when you seem completely unreasonable, because I'm that nice. You will need to know that most of my issues are regarding the short people in the house. I know you like them and all, so my apologies in advance. But a number of items are in need of resolution.

Let me first say that there were only two short people in the house when you brought me home. I was OK with two. Now there are three, and you know what? This house is not big enough for myself AND three short people. I'll let you decide which of them will go. This must happen soon.

I also need to state, for the record, that your short people are the loudest sons of bitches who have ever lived. Ever. So why is it not OK when I cry at the top of my lungs? They certainly do it louder and more often. I've been monitoring and documenting. I demand justice. The current state of affairs is in direct violation of my rights.

Regarding my physical fitness, I would like to get exercise when I decide I want exercise. At four a.m., if this is what I desire. What I would not like is a cardio session in the form of the shortest one chasing me. It does not suit my mood. Thank you for relaying that message to him. Also, he might be a good candidate for the move. Please consider this.

Furthermore, those short people? They poop. A lot. I poop too, in case you haven't noticed. You clean their poop every single day. I see you do it with my cat eyes that are always watching. You know what you do not clean every single day? My poop. And it stinks. Literally and figuratively. And yes, I know what that means. You don't give my intellect enough credit. It's best if you remember that.

I implore you to teach your creatures that personal space is of the utmost importance. My tail is not a pull toy. My belly is not a backboard. And I do require that my ears remain attached to my head. I do not feel that this is unreasonable on my part.

The final item in need of discussion is my meal plan. You feed the short people your chicken and your fish, and they don't even want it. Trust me. I can hear them voice their discontent from a variety of hideouts scattered about. You're wasting the good stuff on them, lady. They hate it. I want it. Give it to me. Don't make me beg. And that crappy dry food in the basement? Are you even for real?

I thank you for your consideration and for attending to these matters with the utmost urgency. If you do not implement changes in a timely manner, I shall be forced to react in a most negative fashion at the hour of my choosing. You have been warned.

All my love. But only when I want to give it.

Kind regards,
Sally

p.s. Don't think I didn't hear the whole "Let's get a dog" discussion. I will literally stab you in your sleep. xoxo