1. a) I would like my metabolism of my early twenties. Think: the days when you could eat a bowl of cheese fries every day for a week and not end up having a belly that resembles a bowl of cheese fries. Valentine's Day is about love. And I love cheese fries.
-OR-
b) I would like for the muffin top to be considered fashion forward. Think: Renaissance Era portraits where a bit of roundness meant beauty and fertility. Because I think we can all agree that this is a much easier look to rock, especially since it's the damn fertility that has caused the problem to begin with. I'll even accept that this trend be short lived. Just throw me a bone. And coat it in chocolate.
2. I would love for my children to think of me and do me small acts of kindness. Off the top of my head, I could suggest they maybe clean the pee from the bowl as an act of love. Wiping up the floor would show devotion. Leaving pee everywhere, be it in the shape of a heart or not, does not convey the appropriate Valentine's Day wish.
3. It would be lovely if a young teenager - I would even accept a tween - could show up at my doorstep and say these words to me: Ma'am (I won't even be pissed when she calls me Ma'am), would you allow me to come in and help your children assemble their valentines? I know it can be an activity that is taxing on the patience, and I would love to take that off your hands. To which I will say, "I will gladly pay you, and I will be in the other room." I will use this time to drink wine. Red wine, because I obviously want to honor the color of this holiday. I will even go so far as to offer to pay double if this messenger of relaxation can talk the four year old through writing an O on each card and assure him that his arm will not fall off from the enormous amount of effort this task requires. Then I will refill my glass.
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| We were actually able to make it through without a helper. It was touch and go for a while - his arms simply "could not take anymore!" The good news: he has perfected his capital A. The bad news: his name does not contain the letter A. We are, however, still in need of help with the seven year old's notes. Please send positive thoughts and well wishes. |
4. Could we all please come together as fellow humans and decide that we love each other enough to each donate $1 to the scientific research required to eradicate the stomach bug? I know that in this day and age and crazy-ass political climate that is causing so much strife between us all, it can be difficult to find common ground and easy discussion. But lord help us, if we cannot love one another enough to agree that getting puked on by a child is in need of a solution, then there is really no hope for us as a human race. Let's get this thing solved before one more person has to revisit the previous night's chocolate truffles.
5. Lastly, I would like someone to declare, officially, that leggings are pants. Also, if we could somehow work in that flannels are appropriate for 9 out of 10 occasions, I would be tickled pink. Or red with hunter accents. Whatever.
In the end, I want my Valentine's Day to be a day during which I am presented with zero calorie cheese fries in a house altogether lacking in urine that requires cleaning, surrounded by children who are all too happy to create crafts showing love for their peers, all the while having no one hurling chunks at my supremely comfortable legwear.
Not to set the bar too high, but Honey, if you love me, you'll make it happen.
xoxo
